How to understand the passive aggression

An engineering student was brought to us by his parents with a complaint that he was not showing any interest in doing anything they suggested. He always postponed tasks, even the smallest ones. This had been happening since he joined engineering college. He always sat in his room, isolated from the rest of the family, and didn’t even meet them at the dining table for dinner or breakfast. The trigger event that led to the counseling session was when he was supposed to pay his exam fees but didn’t. He said he would pay later, but later turned into a lot of harassment and late fees that were double the amount. This was a big shock to the parents, and after a big argument with their son, they brought him to us to help him improve and stop doing these unwanted things that were hindering his progress.

After a subjective and objective interview, we came to understand that he was behaving this way because he didn’t like the college or the course he was studying. He couldn’t get angry at his parents for making a mistake, but he also couldn’t accept the daily torture of living with their choices. So he chose to express his negative emotions in an indirect way, through passive aggression.

Passive aggression is a way of expressing negative emotions indirectly. It is a style of communication in which you indirectly convey negative emotions like anger or frustration instead of addressing the situation openly and honestly. You can be passive-aggressive verbally or nonverbally through your body language or other physical actions. And while sometimes we can participate in passive-aggressive behavior unintentionally or subconsciously, it becomes particularly insidious when we’re passive-aggressive toward other people in order to cause harm or persuade others to give us what we want.

• Some examples of PA: your spouse did something, in spite of knowing it upsets you. Of course, it bottled up your emotions and you are moving with the emotional steam in the head, instead of asking how they hurt your feelings, you give them the silent treatment. When they ask what’s wrong with you, you avoid conflict by saying, ‘I’m fine, with little sarcasm coupled with little tinge of seriousness,’ and bottling up your feelings.
  
• Your boss has moved one of your meetings to a time that doesn’t agree with your schedule. Rather than raise a red flag, you come to the meeting late because you intentionally put it off until the last second.

This is a common behaviour practised by many of the people in the house and offices, it has all the features of laziness, postponement behaviours. But if you thoroughly check it microlevel then one can understand it is passive aggressive behaviour.

• What are the symptoms of PA:
• Passive aggression involves a series of verbal, non-verbal, and evasive techniques that indicate discontent without ever saying it.
• Passive aggression can include denial, distortion, cruelty, and silence.
• deny that they feel angry to avoid a direct confrontation and uncomfortable feelings.
• may give backhanded compliments as a way to hurt the other person under the guise of maintaining an amicable connection.
• may act out by sabotaging a loved one, e.g.,by doing things like inviting a budget-conscious friend out for an expensive hotel.
• may deflect possible direct conflict by insisting that the other person is simply misunderstanding their words and that is their responsibility.
• may decide to move away emotionally from a most important person. Their silence may baffle or hurt their friend. Attempts to directly repair the relationship may be met with deflection or denial that they are distancing at all.
• May find comfort in addressing their concerns with a third party whom they can vent to as a means of letting off steam without ever having to address the issue directly.
• Often makes others feel the need to walk on eggshells around them for fear of setting them off.

How to deal with the PA people:

• Try to be honest with them 2. try to have assertive communication 3. Set certain boundaries 4. Have direct communication instead of any alternative communication 5. Be positive in communication irrespective of the situation 6. Stay calm and cool.

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