Divorce - things to remember when kids are involved

Divorce is considered to be one of the most stressful, exhausting and disturbing incidents in one’s life. In a country like India where divorce is still a stigma in some parts, the urban culture has significantly picked up on the rate. Many couples today divorce on the grounds of non-compatibility; they have equal means and measures to support themselves after separating. Courts in India mostly try to counsel the couple to refrain from ending the relationship, but when the last straw is drawn, there is no other go but for these couple to end it.

It gets complicated when children are involved in the divorce proceedings. Having proven that a legal separation hits the children very hard on their mind-sets, it is very important to take precautions and apply some measures while going for a divorce with kids involved.

Do not give surprises – If you are planning to call it quits with your spouse, make sure that your children are mentally prepared for the oncoming disaster. Talking to children about your plans helps, especially after they are grown up to understand it enough. Do not spring in surprises on young minds as this becomes a mental blow to them at the early stage of their life. Psychologists often refer to the cases of individuals fighting the trauma of their parents divorcing with some disturbing visuals like packed suitcases, empty wardrobe etc., Make sure that this does not become a life altering incident for your young ones.

Maintain peace in the storm – Hurling abuses at each other verbally and physically will only crush the child involved. Kids tend to remember bad things easily and feel more deeply for them. Maintain a calm atmosphere in the house till the thing is sorted and responsibilities are planned for the future. Continue to create the same environment as it was last seen before announcing the D word.

Behave normally – “I’m divorced!! Oh My God what do I do with these children?” are some of the words that will echo inside your mind, making you want to scream out or cry in frustration; make sure you do all this in a place not known to your children. Behave and be the same normal self that you last were in the time of crisis. Any direct retaliation to the incident immediately weakens the kids emotionally.

Be the same loving parents – True this has ended for you both; but you still continue to be the parents of those wonderful children who came by as a gift. Be cordial to each other and continue the parental responsibility in grace. Being nice to each other during the meetings and not bitching about one another with children will change the way they take the separation. After a stage, they may not even feel any angst against what has transpired.

Understand that it is nobody’s fault – Giving way to emotional distress and coping with guilt is not necessary. Keep your self-esteem high and understand that this was nobody’s fault. Relationships break because of thousand reasons and it is right not burden yourself as a sole cause for the divorce.

Talk to your children – Talking to your children often about your relationship with ex-spouse will build their maturity levels. Confide in them and share the ‘need to know’ things about the reasons involving the break up. Assure your kids that there were happy times too. This is very crucial as the kids should not end up hating the concept of a marriage because of your failure.