Stop living for others!

I am a very jovial person and very submissive and people take this as an advantage. I get upset when someone talks bad about me or makes fun of me. How can I be strong and assertive??

Submissiveness is always an unwelcomed behaviour which leads to many issues in a person's life. A submissive person is a shrinking violet, avoiding upsetting others either because they fear them or they fear to hurt their feelings. The core assumption of submissive behaviour is that you are inferior to others in some way, and hence that other people have greater rights and more valid truths than you. You are also likely to fall into a spiral of failing self-esteem, internal anger and psychosomatic problems.

When things go wrong, the submissive person is likely to assume that they are to be blamed in some way, and accept culpability when singled out by other people. Affected individuals are uneasy being alone and are preoccupied with the fear of being abandoned or rejected by others. To win other's approval, such people automatically do things to impress. Submissive persons often pick up subtle tensions, are vulnerable to criticism and praise, and develop a "people-pleasing" nature. They get affected by a sense of "wrongness", guilt, shame, and anger. There is fear in submissiveness; fear of being left out. When that fear goes away, submissiveness goes with it.

When you are in other's approval trap, - You live for others! - You compromise on what is important to you all the time! - You are in constant fear! - You develop a sense of inadequacy and inferiority!

Disadvantages of submissiveness:A - Your views are ignored and not taken seriously - Your contribution isn't noticed - Your self - esteem suffers and lose confidence - Your resentment builds and feel undervalued

The first step of getting out of this emotional trap is recognizing that you are caged by a mindset that blocks you from being happy and fulfilled - that you are the one giving others power over your life. Whenever you find yourself being submissive, try to change your mind set and ways of responding. This won't happen fast, but keep the awareness. Realise where changes are needed and believe in your rights.

You may need to deal with the anxiety associated with changing, to reconcile the conflicts within your value system, to assess the repercussions of being assertive, and to prepare others for the changes they will see in your behavior or attitude.

- Create the assertive mind set. Set boundaries, rules and limits on others to guide and direct others as to what's permissible behavior around. - If you are still scared even though it is appropriate, use some relaxation methods like meditation to reduce the anxiety. Make a change - we need the help of our subconscious mind, which quietly works in the background to protect us. During years of living by other people's rules, the subconscious is convinced that we are a risk to ourselves and we are not capable of taking control of our life.

Doing the conscious things below will go a long way to convince your subconscious that you are a wonderful, capable and independent person and your behavior will gradually change, as if by magic. 1. Develop Critical thinking - question your tradition, your belief system, the reason you go to work, your lifestyle, your parents' style of parenting etc. 2. Develop a responsible attitude - remember that no one can make you feel anything and no one else is responsible for your feelings or actions. 3. Fixing your mental self-image- one of the most effective actions you can do to reduce the inferior feelings. Once you convince yourself that you were fooled and that you were carrying a false belief that you are inferior, you will be able to get rid of it. 4. Instill new beliefs and develop self confidence- Self - confidence and inferiority are opposites. If you managed to acquire one of them the other will leave you. 5. Confront your biggest fears. Don't feel fearful about other's opinions, judgments etc. though they are valid worries but do bear in mind - everyone is different. Any comments you receive are invalid and must be ignored at all costs. 6. Listen to Your Self Talk.-Listen to those voices inside your head. They are voices of your past. 7. Learn to be assertive - again, this is a lifelong quest and we all need to be assertiveness artists. When you express your needs without hurting anyone else, you are assertive.

Start small. If the thought of standing up for yourself makes you feel difficult, start with low-risk situations. Once you feel comfortable in these low-risk situations, start upping little by little.

Say no. In your quest to become more assertive, "no" is your best friend. Start saying 'no' more often. At first, saying no may make you very anxious, but eventually it will come to feel good, and actually quite freeing. Use "I" statements. When making a request or expressing disapproval use "I" statements. "You always humiliate me in front of your professors." Better use "I feel embarrassed when you insult me in front of your professors."

Don't apologise or feel guilty for expressing a need/want/right. Unless you're asking for something that's patently unreasonable, there's no reason to feel guilty or ashamed for expressing a need or want.

You don't have to justify/explain your opinion/choices. When you make a decision or state an opinion that others don't agree with, one way in which they'll try to exert control over you is to demand that you offer a justification for your choice/opinion/ A behavior.