Why children need space to make decisions, learn and grow

Every parent wants to make life a little easier for their child. When a child struggles with homework, forgets something for school or feels disappointed by a result, the natural instinct is to step in. We want to solve the problem, prevent disappointment and make sure things work out. However, there is a difference between helping a child through a difficulty and removing the difficulty altogether. Learning to recognise that difference is an important part of parenting.

This distinction appears in everyday situations. Helping a child prepare for an examination is different from planning every hour of their study schedule. Listening to them describe a disagreement with a friend is different from immediately intervening to resolve it. Reminding children about their responsibilities is useful, but repeatedly taking over when they forget can prevent them from learning to manage those responsibilities independently.

Research also points to the importance of allowing children a degree of independence. A meta-analysis of 238 studies involving more than 126,000 participants found that parental support for children’s autonomy was associated with better wellbeing, while psychologically controlling parenting was associated with poorer wellbeing. The findings highlight an important distinction: giving children room to make age-appropriate choices does not mean leaving them without guidance. It means supporting their development without controlling every decision.

Start with everyday responsibilities

Independence does not develop through one major lesson. It grows through small, repeated experiences. Children can begin by packing their own schoolbags, keeping track of their belongings, completing agreed tasks and learning to organise their time.

They may forget things, make mistakes or take longer than expected. It can be tempting to step in and finish the task ourselves, particularly when we are pressed for time. But these moments offer children an opportunity to recognise what went wrong and consider how they can handle the situation differently next time.

A study involving 226 families with children aged 10 to 14 found that autonomy-supportive parental involvement was associated with better time management, greater persistence with homework and less distraction. Rather than managing every step, parents can help children develop their own approach to responsibilities.

Offer guidance without controlling every decision

Encouraging independence does not mean expecting children to figure everything out on their own. The support they need will depend on their age, circumstances and individual abilities. A younger child may need clear instructions, while an older child may benefit from discussing different ways to approach a problem. The important thing is to offer help without automatically taking control. Instead of immediately giving an answer, parents can ask questions such as, “What do you think you could do?” or “Would you like to talk through your options?” These conversations encourage children to consider possibilities and make decisions while knowing that support is available.

Allow children to experience disappointment

A poor examination result, a missed opportunity or a disagreement with a friend can be difficult for parents to watch. Our instinct may be to find an explanation, contact someone or fix the situation immediately. However, children also need opportunities to process disappointment and reflect on their experiences.

A mistake does not define a child’s ability or worth. What matters is whether they can understand what happened, identify what they might do differently and try again. Parents can support this process by listening without rushing to judge, offering reassurance and helping children think through their next steps.

The role of parents and educators

As an education leader, I believe this balance matters at home and in schools. Children need opportunities to ask questions, attempt unfamiliar tasks, make decisions and take ownership of their learning. Parents and educators have a responsibility to create environments where these experiences are possible.

This requires adults to reconsider how they respond when children struggle. Sometimes, the most useful response is not to provide an immediate solution but to give them time to think, attempt and learn. Schools can encourage this through activities that involve problem-solving, collaborative work and independent decision-making. At home, parents can reinforce these habits through everyday responsibilities. Doing something for a child is often quicker, and intervening can feel like the most caring response. But parenting is not about making every part of a child’s journey easy. It is about providing the guidance, reassurance and opportunities they need to navigate it.

(The author is Vice Chairperson -VIBGYOR Group of Schools)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kavita Kerawalla

Kavita Kerawalla