Nothing lasts forever, believes Amitabh

All these years my career was managed and regulated by others. I diligently followed what was told and the outcome was satisfactory. In 1990 I was suggested that I don’t need to work and can take a long sabbatical. I did but soon realised that a life without work is dull and uninteresting. I would have continued being in that stagnated state had economic circumstances not compelled me to get back into action once again.

I learnt to take control of my life and career, even areas I did not understand. I learnt to question what I could not fathom but most important, this was the first time, I was making decisions for myself and right or wrong, I was responsible for my decisions.

That’s right. It’s a liberating feeling to know that you are responsible for your choices. Today, I want to work as long as I can. I feel hesitant to say ‘no’ to friends, to turn down youngsters. Their enthusiasm is infectious and I want to, if possible, participate in their dreams. Some day, I know, I will have to pull the brakes. It will be the time when my face is not good enough for the camera or the audience is bored of me. But till as long as I can, I would like to pursue acting with the same passion.

Yeah, a lot of baggage has been shed. Much as we fight shy to admit it, economic security instills a lot of strength. I’ve become less guarded because I’m less defensive. My self-assurance also comes from the fact that today; I’m old enough to be forgiven if I make a mistake.

I don’t know and I’d rather not think about it for I have more worthwhile things to reflect upon like my father’s poetry or my mother’s health. Failure or success has never been preserved by analysing.

Destiny throws us opportunities and it’s up to us to take up these challenges. ‘Mohabbatein’ and Kaun Banega Crorepati were opportunities I was willing to court and to my good fortune, they proved to be fruitful decisions.

It’s the world around us that has changed. Today, everything is consumerist. In the olden days nobody mentioned brands. Today, every celebrity worth his name is endorsing some or the other product. I’m fortunate to be lured with so many offers

Gratitude, it’s all very overwhelming. I accept people’s appreciation for my work with humility but there is also a sense of shock. I’m not sure if I’m deserving of so much adulation.

I do, in fact all the time. And I know it will go away. That’s the law of nature. Nothing lasts forever and no matter what anyone says, nobody is ever prepared to lose it. You may sense it from the roar of the audience at different seasons of your career, but no artiste is ever sure.

I don’t think I was conscious about it then for all my time was spent working. Today, I don’t have the mega successes as I did then and which is in a way an advantage because the pressures are lesser. Then, I was expected to perform better with every new release which can be very stressful. Today, the responsibility of a film is on the hero and not on me so I’m in a far more comfortable position today.

I’m shy even now, there are butterflies in my stomach every time I face the camera, but because I’m shooting ads more frequently now I’m able to disguise my awkwardness. It is because I have understood the craft. In cinema, we have the luxury of delivering a message in three hours but in advertising, we have to sell the product in three second. It is a big challenge.

I’m always nervous when I’m beginning work with a new director because it means I’m going to be on test again. It’s bad enough to be able to deliver a convincing performance, but its worse when you have to stand up and emote in front of a stranger. There is a possibility that he feels as much on test as me but we are not sharing notes, so the discomfort persists till we reach a creative understanding of each other’s comfort zone. After that, it is not all that difficult.