Possessiveness is unhealthy

I am possessive about my loved ones but not many are happy with my possessiveness. Help me come out of it. -Aaradhana, Hyderabad.A Possessiveness indicates a manic state of mind in which a person cannot accept to share a thing or a person about which/whom he is obsessed. Here the word 'manic' is used since it indicates the extremity of the condition. Once, a Buddhist monk used to wander different places in search of enlightenment. He used to carry a wooden statue of Lord Buddha along with him which he carved himself. He used to burn incense in front of the statue and worship every day. One day he went a village and stayed in a temple in the night. That temple has many Buddha statues. As routine, he wanted to burn the incense but he didn't want the smell of the incense to reach all the statues in the temple. So he placed a funnel in front of the statue, such that the smell shall pass from it and reach up to the nose of his statue only. After some days, he observed that the nose of the Buddha statue had turned black. Thus, his possessiveness made him unhappy. Possessiveness arises from insecurities, and numerous other shades of grey. It reflects the injured and degraded self-esteem of the person. Past experiences play a very vital role in giving rise to possessiveness especially the incidents of childhood since they leave deep marks on the mind of the person. If a person fails to get proper attention in his childhood, feel rejected and unloved, he wishes to fulfill that scarcity when he grows up.

They get over addicted to a special person because they fear losing that person or his/her attention. They wish for more and more attention and concern and this tops them from sharing that person with anyone else. Often personality traits like inferiority complex, selfishness, immaturity etc. Nobody in this world is a personal property. No one can take control over the life and desires of anyone and if you try to do so, you are spoiling your relationships with your own hands. Try taking some sand in your hand and make a grip over it. The tighter your grip, the more the sand falls down, the looser your grip the less the sand falls down. Similar is the case in relationships. Trying to dominate and take control on the other person, often leads to pushing that person away from you. Trust is the foundation upon which a relationship stands. Lack of trust in a relationship causes severe problems in the relationship. At times we like a person but we don't trust him therefore we start behaving possessively since we are afraid of losing that person. All in all fear lies at the root cause of possessiveness. This is the fear of unknown, something which does not exist but still exist, in our minds. Any person who is confident and has faith in their relationship would not feel insecure. On the other hand, a lot of people think that they might lose their loved once and try to take more control. It is a symptom of the weaker inner strength and if not controlled at right time it keeps on growing with the person. Possessiveness starts taking the form of addiction and addiction of any kind is only harmful. Some other causes are- Lack of confidence or faith on partner- This situation might be as a result of the action of their partner. It can also be due to self-centered quality of a person or due to the effect of very low self-confidence. Jealousy - This is often a term which is used as a substitute for possessiveness but it is found to be true that both jealousy and possessiveness are tail tied Lack of self-confidence - Strength in one's heart can cause a person to find faults with others. Since the person is lacks confidence, faith level goes low and they start takeing control over their partner in order to hold on to their relationship. There is no known solution to possessiveness. Certain level of possession will always remain. Since it is not a disease or disorder, it can't be removed completely. It is a feeling which needs extensive care and concentration Unless the person and his/her partner sit and talk about this openly there will be no solution.

Some possible ways to solve this: 1. Get awareness and find out the reasons for feeling possessive about your loved one. 2. Avoid insecure feeling and have more confidence on your partner and relationship 3. Take anger management classes and identify the source of the problem. 4. Take responsibility of your feelings rather than blaming the other one. Realise that you have to change your ways to free yourself from this problem. 5. Remind yourself that your mate is a person, not an object. Sit and talk to the partner about this and ask your partner to give you a reassurance of love. Make him/her understand and do something which keeps the faith and confidence intact in yourself. 6. Practice some relaxation techniques like meditation to overcome the problem. 7. Take professional help. Consult a psychologist if needed.