Marriage -Are your fights productive or Destructive?

Marriage can be tricky and challenging at times. Did anyone ever notice the difference between a marriage that gets happier as time goes on and one that grows more miserable? " "FIGHTS"- Well let me pinpoint exactly as to what kind of arguments help a couple grow closer and which SPLIT them apart.

There are ways of smoothing things over that to keep peace in the short term, where it can undermine the relationship in the long run. This is particularly true of ignoring deep disagreements or pretending that they don't exist.

The conventional view that a couple's satisfaction with their marriage predicts how happy they will be in years to come was also challenged by the study. Paradoxically, those couples who were unhappy, but fought well, tended to have become much happier by the time they were contacted again three years later.

These findings may seem self-evident, by taking the help of researchers, they contradict the prevailing wisdom among professionals.

There are those couples who are so well attuned that they rarely, if ever, fight over the differences. And there are other couples who simply do not fight, despite their grievances. In one of the research, psychologists have found that such couples are typically composed of partners who both are agreeable in all spheres of life, marriage among them.

But the findings on fights apply to the large majority of couples who have some degree of conflict in their relationship.

But what is the problem?
The study on martial arguments contradicts longlasting findings that had shown couples who were more prone to arguments who were least satisfied with their marriage.

The findings, however, failed to distinguish among the kinds of fights that couples have or follow the course of the marriages to see whether they got better or worse. Few fights can improve some marriages, and draws a clear distinction between the kinds of arguments that nurture a relationship and those that actually sink it.

What kind of Arguments is Destructive?
The ones in which a partner becomes defensive or stubborn, or whines or withdraws are particularly Destructive.

Those fights in which the partners freely express their anger while not letting the intensity escalate out of control bode well for the FUTURE.

When to predict a fight in married life?
Fights are predictable during the second phase of marriage, after the initial romantic period. If they have tools to resolve these issues then the conflicts fade over a period of time or the next phase.

But in some marriages, the absence of fights may augur poorly for a couple."In some marriages where there is an agreement not to fight, things are fine as long as their lives go well. But if something bad happens, they are too brittle to handle the problem."

But in couples who have healthy fights develop a kind of martial efficacy that makes the marriage stronger as time goes on. Couples who learned how to argue productively were less happy at first, as their differences were aired became progressively more satisfied.

certain kinds of fights help couples clarify and resolve their differences. Wives are known as the "EMOTIONAL MANAGERS" Wives play a special role in Orchestrating a couples fights. "Wives are the emotional managers of most marriages of most marriages, the wife is usually the one who brings up disagreements and makes a couple confront their differences. Wife's anger is a valuable resource in a marriage. But a delicate one, " she has to express her anger, but in such a way that it doesn't drive her husband away-make him withdraw, or defensive, for instance.

When a wife starts a fight let her know he's listening, show her respect for the disagreement, and acknowledge that there's something there that should be dealt with," along with being mad right back, if that is what he is feeling.
Even though anger can be productive, couples need to keep it within bounds. " Fights in which tempers or feelings like fear and sadness get out of hand bode poorly for a couple.

The worst kind of fights are those in which partners resort to character assassination and Blame; it just leads to a dead one. When you state a concrete, specific complaint, then there is a good chance it would lead not just to a resolution, but to an improvement.

FIGHT HELPFUL AND DESTRUCTIVE ARGUMENTS differ in three major phases:

Here are some of the typical differences:

FIRST PHASE: Picking the fight and stating its agenda

HELPFUL: Even as the couple is beginning to disagree, one partner at least partly acknowledges the other's point of view, even by such subtle cues as carefully listening to a charge and nodding to show it might have some validity.

DESTRUCTIVE: Every complaint by one partner is matched by a countercharge by the other; neither give the least indication that there may be some validity to the other's views.

SECOND PHASE: The argument at its most heated.

HELPFUL: Even during the stormiest time, one partner accurately "mind reads" saying how the other is feeling about the issue.

DESTRUCTIVE: One partner "mind reads" inaccurately, making claims about what the other feels, and then attack those fictitious thoughts or feelings.

THIRD PHASE:

Negotiation or wind-down.

HELPFUL: The partners agree to a compromise or modify their views.

DESTRUCTIVE: Every proposed compromise is met by a counterproposal, with no accommodation on either side.