Reviving the economy on the other side
‘For the restless rich youth of our country we can provide mobile coffee shops with socially distanced cubicles so they can meet and break up
Know what,' said Subbu over phone. 'I'vegot an idea that'll revive the economy and provide employment to all those who might lose jobs to the lockdown. I see so many opportunities. It's huge man.'
'Really?' I said. 'All I see is despair and darkness. I'm worried I might not have a job too.'
'You have one now,' said Subbu. 'See, people are scared of everything these days. That's where our opportunity lies.With the top 5% rich and important people who have 80% of the money. This socialist virus has provided us witha great opportunityto make our country the world's largest economy.'
'How?' I asked.
'Every door presents us with a window of opportunity dude,' said Subbu. 'People hate doors now. In fact they look at doors and door handles like they're venomous snakes that'll bite them. Wecanstart by providing virus-free entry and exit services to our rich clientele. Whenever they want to open or close a door,they can call us and we'll do it with sanitised hands – sanitised before their own eyes. We can provide a video recording also for them to post on social media. We can also position one sanitised door opener at every door,day and night, to open and close them,so the richcan live without fear of the virus. Similarly we canattach people to handle lifts, open and shut taps, switches, hold and clean mobiles etc. We'lladdress all fear points. Imagine how many jobs will get created.'
'Is this your great idea?' I asked incredulously.
'Another fear point is receiving stuff from outside,' said Subbu. 'Our people can receive newspapers and read them to you while you drink your morning cup of coffee. We willreceive stuff from delivery people, sanitise it, and hand it over. We can sanitise the maids, the delivery boysand even the delivery van by spraying chemicals on them. If the clients are still worried, we can cook the food outside,eat it and stay quarantined for a couple of weeks to prove that it's safe. All for a price of course.'
'Oh god,' I said.
'It gets better,' said Subbu. 'We can have fully sanitised people sit next to you and touch your eyes, nose, mouth etc when you get theurge. I know a lot of people are dying to do that. And for those who want to exercise and are not stepping out for fear of stepping on the virus we will carry you out on sanitised mobile treadmills. You can enjoy virus-free exercise outside without putting your legs on the ground.'
'Man, are you serious?' I asked.
'Just look at the possibilities dude,' said Subbu. 'After a few months of lockdown, we can organise sanitised tours to see our colony, wave at neighbours, friends and family from our bus. Special pandemic buses will be made with social distancing norms, isolated cubicles etc sopeople can seeturtles, deer, lion and dinosaurs roaming freely outside.'
'Anything else?' I asked.
'For the restless rich youth of our countrywe can provide mobile coffee shops with socially distanced cubicles so they can meet and break up,' said Subbu. 'People on Tinder will be kept on separate buses to prevent them succumbing to their urges and committing suicidal acts like getting intimate with their partners. Possibilities are immense man. Our black economy will become white, our rich will be safe and the poor will get jobs.So when do you want to start?'
I switched off my phone and meditated.This was worse than the virus.